I cant think of a phrase that discrives me better. Damaged goods. Oh im damaged alright. Dont know about the goods part, but definitily damaged.
I could go on and on about the relationship with my mom, which is really what brings me to write this, exept theres not much to say. Theres not really a relationship, i mean dont get me wrong, its just she has no idea who i am. I, on the other hand, am quite aware of who she is.
Ill admit that it would be highly unfair to blame everything on her, it would be easy for me, saying its her fault i am the way i am, but unfortunately that is not the case, but she was a big factor in it, and she influenced most of my decisions.
I can begin by saying out loud for the first time, that i have an eating disorder. My weight goes up and down 20 pounds often. My family has never been normal about eating. We never actually sat down and had a meal together. So whenever i went over a friends house, and they would all have dinner together, i was always amused. Im not really sure what i have, i have been diagnosed with anorexia 2 years ago, but now i dont know, all i know my eating habits are strange. I can go on a 200 calorie "diet", consiting of one apple with lemon and salt, and a couple of baked chips and countless amounts of diet soda. And then of course i can come home after school, at 3:30 on an empty stomach and binge. Binge my heart out. Out of control binging. The kind of binging where you wanna put big baggy cloths afterwords and hide. Slide the pantry doors, get whatever i find and shove it in my mouth, quickly without tasting it. Open the toster oven, put a slice of toast with whatever looks good, while shoving chips down my mouth, opening the toaster, throwing some other slices of toast and whatever frozen food we have. Sit down on the couch watch tv, realize my hands are empty, nothing to shove in anymore. Im alone i think, unaware im thinking im thinking that. i stand up get something sweet heat it up cook it or prepare it in whatever way it needs to be, and then get something else sweeter, now i feel bad i need something salty again. Sit back down on the couch, realize my stomach is bloaded. And here comes my biggest secret, one that you think my mom would know, you'd think she would somehow suspect it, the missing food, the gaining ang loosing weight, the puffy cheeks, my obvious obssesion with food and nutricion. But she has no idea, that i stand up, not even with the need of a mirrior to remember how disgusting i am , how big and nasty ive let myself become, because after all i have made myself this way, put a towel on the floor, knees against the toilet, 2 sometimes 3 or 4 fingers down my throat. Along with all the colorful vomit, comes all my stress, my lack of iniciative, my insecurnes, for once i feel in control, i feel like something can finally and almost literaly be un done. I feel calm. Flush the toilet, flush my stress, flush my anger, flush everything that makes me, well, me. Stand up, wash mouth and face, unlock bathroom door, front door, sit on the couch again, look around the big empty house. Still empty. Still lonely.
Of course there are my days, were im in perfect control of everything, and when i am, it shows, perfect grade point average, spotless room, perfect make up and cloths. I feel pure. Steping on the scale everyday, loosing one pound everyday, the high like feeling. Im not a failure, ive actually accomplished something, i can do something. This is my own, i can control this. I can loose weight besides the fact im controling my weight, i feel like im controling everything. So i wake up, scale, look in the mirror, admire the bones that are showing up that werent there before, touch them, stare at them, for once i feel beautiful, for once i feel worthy of being touched. Put cloths on, skip breakfast go to school, skip lunch, take benadryl during fourth period to prevent a binge, come home, drowsy, feeling amazing, sleep. Wake up, notice its still not 5, meaning i cant have anything yet, so i slowly enjoy my 3rd or 4th diet coke. Clock hits 5. I can eat. Should i have my 80 calorie apple? Or should i have my 60 calorie corn? Or my very favorite 50-70 calorie soup? Think about everything else id want to eat. Chose one of the barly enough food for half a meal food item, eat it very slowly. Take a couple of glasses of cold water. Step on the scale. Thank you God, thank you for not letting me gain weight... thank you for helping me not fail.
How is this anyones fault but my own you ask? Its not, i take fully responsability for making my life shorter everyday, i do. But i do realize my moms always in the back of my head. "Did you see Mary Williams, shes so thin, what a beautiful figure", " I wouldnt really call you skinny", or her very infamous "only pine apple everyday" diet. Or just her constant conversations regarding foods, calories, shapes sizes. My eating habits, are of course. one of the main factors in my life. Theres not one minute where i dont think about weight or food or binging or purging or fasting of failing. Damaged goods.
I weighted myself today. 90 pounds, last time i weight myself i was 103. last time i took a picture i was 107. im short though very short (5´3) so 90 pounds is a lot for me. Recover... i think about recovering every night. I wake up and forget about it.. its to hard im to weak. Its 1:07 am... Recover. Recover. Star living. I tell myself this everyday. Im not good enough to recover i tell myself after this... then i think dont be stupid, no one diserves this... then i think but i probably do. I dont want to be here anymore. I cant be here anymore. take me away. take me away. take me away.
Why am i so fat? How do i loose control so fast? ONE MONTH withour purging, ONE, thats a lot for me... and today i purged, i didnt even binge I hate how every time i say im gonna try to eat 800 calories i never end up eating over 400. So why am i so fat? My jeans fit me again, which is disgusting, i miss them falling of me. why cant i just be skinny? why do i have to be so huge? i feel fat today, fatter than usual. i want to go away, i dont wanna anyone to see me, i want to hide from everyone. yes, my middle name should be Failure. Isabel Failure Cadena
i dont want to be well anymore. i dont care if this kills me anymore. im done struggling, trying to fight against it, ED, you WIN, finish messing up my life, its fine with me. Today i had 100 calories worth of gum. REALLY ISABEL? 100 calories worth of gum. I FAIL. i was supposed to be on my 5th day of fasting. I freaked out when i realized it was 100 calories... and i couldnt purge them so i got on the epical told myseld i would burn 100 ended up burning 500 got of and fainted
my family told me they were done suffering from this, and they gave up on me. THANKS, so do i
so i met this girl here, we both used to be members of 24-7 she would comment on my posts i would comment on hers. then i guess we got closer from another community, we started talking on msn and i felt conected to her-literaly-she made me feel better.
its not like we would talk for hours but the little we would talk, it always made me feel better... after shitty days, she was there to listen to me and to understand me like no one else can.
Shes so talented, she has it all, i really dont know what i would do without her, she helps me look fordward to things, and she doesnt know how hard it is and how simple she makes it, im a very negative person, but when i get her messages i feel better, like someones there... and not my stupid hipocrite friends, no an actual real one.
so i wanna thank God, for putting her in my path, for giving me a friend like her, for making her as amazing she is. and i wanna ask God to make things better for her, because
i cant cope with anything anymore. im so weak and usless everything is messed up. i want to get out of here, be in a safer place I wish God would take me with him Im slowly killing myself, this eating disorder is slowly killing me, taking 6 tylenol pm or 8 or even 10 everyday is slowly killing me i dont mind the killing me part, but the slowly i do mind. im tierd and weak and theres nothing left here for me, nothing
i wonder when is this gonna stop, when im gonna be able to be okay with myself. ive never realized how bad i think of myself i feel like this huge ball of fatness, that doesnt even deserve to live.
Why am i so scared of looking in the mirror?? Why does my weight go so low sometimes, why do i let it get so bad? Why do people want to have this illness? Why would the voluntaraly let something like this take their lives away? Why did i start? And how can i stop.
40 pounds down from my heigh weight. and its never enough. im still here, sitting home alone, on a friday night, telling my friends i cant go out, making up some random excusse and all because i cant go out to dinner, im to afraid.