I could go on and on about the relationship with my mom, which is really what brings me to write this, exept theres not much to say. Theres not really a relationship, i mean dont get me wrong, its just she has no idea who i am. I, on the other hand, am quite aware of who she is.

Ill admit that it would be highly unfair to blame everything on her, it would be easy for me, saying its her fault i am the way i am, but unfortunately that is not the case, but she was a big factor in it, and she influenced most of my decisions.

I can begin by saying out loud for the first time, that i have an eating disorder. My weight goes up and down 20 pounds often. My family has never been normal about eating. We never actually sat down and had a meal together. So whenever i went over a friends house, and they would all have dinner together, i was always amused. Im not really sure what i have, i have been diagnosed with anorexia 2 years ago, but now i dont know, all i know my eating habits are strange. I can go on a 200 calorie "diet", consiting of one apple with lemon and salt, and a couple of baked chips and countless amounts of diet soda. And then of course i can come home after school, at 3:30 on an empty stomach and binge. Binge my heart out. Out of control binging. The kind of binging where you wanna put big baggy cloths afterwords and hide. Slide the pantry doors, get whatever i find and shove it in my mouth, quickly without tasting it. Open the toster oven, put a slice of toast with whatever looks good, while shoving chips down my mouth, opening the toaster, throwing some other slices of toast and whatever frozen food we have. Sit down on the couch watch tv, realize my hands are empty, nothing to shove in anymore. Im alone i think, unaware im thinking im thinking that. i stand up get something sweet heat it up cook it or prepare it in whatever way it needs to be, and then get something else sweeter, now i feel bad i need something salty again. Sit back down on the couch, realize my stomach is bloaded. And here comes my biggest secret, one that you think my mom would know, you'd think she would somehow suspect it, the missing food, the gaining ang loosing weight, the puffy cheeks, my obvious obssesion with food and nutricion. But she has no idea, that i stand up, not even with the need of a mirrior to remember how disgusting i am , how big and nasty ive let myself become, because after all i have made myself this way, put a towel on the floor, knees against the toilet, 2 sometimes 3 or 4 fingers down my throat. Along with all the colorful vomit, comes all my stress, my lack of iniciative, my insecurnes, for once i feel in control, i feel like something can finally and almost literaly be un done. I feel calm. Flush the toilet, flush my stress, flush my anger, flush everything that makes me, well, me. Stand up, wash mouth and face, unlock bathroom door, front door, sit on the couch again, look around the big empty house. Still empty. Still lonely.

Of course there are my days, were im in perfect control of everything, and when i am, it shows, perfect grade point average, spotless room, perfect make up and cloths. I feel pure. Steping on the scale everyday, loosing one pound everyday, the high like feeling. Im not a failure, ive actually accomplished something, i can do something. This is my own, i can control this. I can loose weight besides the fact im controling my weight, i feel like im controling everything. So i wake up, scale, look in the mirror, admire the bones that are showing up that werent there before, touch them, stare at them, for once i feel beautiful, for once i feel worthy of being touched. Put cloths on, skip breakfast go to school, skip lunch, take benadryl during fourth period to prevent a binge, come home, drowsy, feeling amazing, sleep. Wake up, notice its still not 5, meaning i cant have anything yet, so i slowly enjoy my 3rd or 4th diet coke. Clock hits 5. I can eat. Should i have my 80 calorie apple? Or should i have my 60 calorie corn? Or my very favorite 50-70 calorie soup? Think about everything else id want to eat. Chose one of the barly enough food for half a meal food item, eat it very slowly. Take a couple of glasses of cold water. Step on the scale. Thank you God, thank you for not letting me gain weight... thank you for helping me not fail.

How is this anyones fault but my own you ask? Its not, i take fully responsability for making my life shorter everyday, i do. But i do realize my moms always in the back of my head. "Did you see Mary Williams, shes so thin, what a beautiful figure", " I wouldnt really call you skinny", or her very infamous "only pine apple everyday" diet. Or just her constant conversations regarding foods, calories, shapes sizes. My eating habits, are of course. one of the main factors in my life. Theres not one minute where i dont think about weight or food or binging or purging or fasting of failing. Damaged goods.